They’ve got skills ranging from thievery to explosives to murder. Our story begins when a group of hoppers-think cowhand, perhaps a term for anyone who can ride a domesticated hippo-is tasked by leader Winslow Houndstooth, who’s been contracted by the federal government, to get the feral hippos past the confining gate and out into the Gulf.Īnd this (very diverse) group of hoppers is wild. In the end, the hippo did not enter the pantheon of sounds we make during a rousing performance of “Old MacDonald.”īut River of Teeth imagines they did-and that some hippos escaped their fate to infest part of the lower Mississippi, and went feral between the boundary of an upstream dam and a downstream gate. So of course this incredible excess might have seemed like an excellent enterprise to carnivorous folk.
Now, all things won’t be equal, but if an average steer weighs about 750 pounds (340 kg), and an average male hippo weighs about 3,300 pounds (1,500 kg), your server would be bringing you a porterhouse coming in just under 11 pounds, or about 5 kilograms. Some of the largest beef porterhouses are 40 ounces, or 1.134 kilograms for the metric folks. Imagine it: a hippopotamus porterhouse with all the sides. Yes, raising those dangerous, enormous beasts to grace our plates.
The idea for River of Teeth comes from a little-known but verifiable fact: At one time, the United States needed meat and considered hippo ranching in Louisiana. Pretending you are playing Hungry Hungry Hippos is one way to complete a chore commonly known as “vacuuming.” There is a game called Hungry Hungry Hippos. If you are farming reeds and pomegranates for the pharaoh, they might kill you even if you don’t bother them, because they’re upset that you’re not sharing or something. Hippos can kill people if you bother them. In fact, they are champion poopers and thus need quite a bit of personal space. There is a hippo named Fiona, who lives in a zoo somewhere, that people like a lot. Before I read River of Teeth by Sarah Gailey, I believed I knew the following facts about hippos:
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